Had some weird dreams last night, you know...losing the piece of paper that tells you where you're meant to be and people telling me that I must be making my ailment up. Anyway I arrived at X-ray 2 10 minutes early, which is unheard of for me, especially as a kindly old lady had directed me along the corridor and down when it was actually up. One thing about the Derbyshire Royal infirmary - excellent signposting, you can't get lost.
Having arrived early, I then had to wait for a long half hour before a Roman soldier came to escort me to the scanning room. Well, he looked like a Roman soldier as he was wearing a full lead 'apron' with a huge belt to keep it all together. All he needed was a shield and a spear to complete the costume! He led me to a cubical, handed me a nightie and dressing gown and invited me to keep my bra, socks and shoes on. Strange customs these Romans have here, I thought, but duly obliged anyway. The next time I saw him he had on a white half coat and a name tag, so he'd obviously got rid of his fancy dress gear from the previous night! In the scanning room there was another lady (who fitted the bill for Lurcio's mistress and could be imagined eating grapes from a reclining position).
Back to the matter in hand, the two of them laid out all the equipment, needles, bottles, potions and lotions and asked if I had any questions. All I could think of was: "Would anyone be able to confirm whether or not I had a hernia?" When the doctor eventually turned up he went through all the things that could go wrong, everything from bleeding and puncturing to peritonitis and gave me the consent form to fill in. Lying on the table, he applied the iodine to my tummy brusquely and then covered me with a large green sheet with a tiny hole cut out of it which he matched up to my tummy button. He hovered over the hole with the local anesthetic in his hand, poised like a bee ready to sting. In the end I heard myself saying: "Just do it!"
Once the local anesthetic was in, there followed a series of larger needles being inserted with clear dye. I only really felt pressure, but remember feeling the dye rush in and then I'm sure I heard a 'pop'. Then I was asked to lie on my tummy while the table was raised to a vertical position. Any local anesthetic has a strange effect on me and this time I lost the ability to know which was my left or right. In the end, he gave up trying to direct me and gave simpler instructions like: "to me", "away from me" . I was asked to cough or tense my stomach, alternately. This went on for a little while and then he positioned the screen for me to see. "Cough" he commanded and out came a protrusion like ET's finger "Tense" he said and out it popped again. This 'game' went on for ages; "Surely he's taken enough photos by now", I thought, but he was clearly enjoying my 'peek-a-boo' intestines.
At last I got to step off the still vertical table and offered a cup of coffee. When I'd proved I knew which way up the cup was meant to be held, I was left to my own devices to find my own way out of my nightie and the hospital...
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